Checking my willingness to change

So OK after last nights post, I think God was definitely checking my willingness to change!

It was a stressful day on the home front, but smooth sailing at work, but you see, I know how to handle myself at work. But this morning, I thought I checked for my ID card in my wallet, which you need to be able to get on base, and when I got to the gate, it was actually my AAA Card. No problem, I thought to myself, I will just work off of the network and get a bunch of work done, they will pull me over at the gate, check my other credentials and conduct the usual vehicle standard operating procedures, and I will be on my way.

Well, the problem began when I couldn't find my updated insurance card, what the heck man! I could not find it anywhere, so the gate guard sent me packing! I have worked there for 6 years! I am a former Marine! How could he turn me away? Especially after sitting in Fallbrook traffic to get on base, where it can take thirty minutes to go just a measly 1/4 of a mile. I was not happy. I cussed as I pulled away....

Repent Clay, don't you see it is not worth getting upset over? Isn't the Air 1 verse of the day "My child, listen and be wise: Keep you heart on the right course." Proverbs 23:19 NLT.

OK God, I am over it, he was just doing his job. I can do this. I went home, couldn't find my ID, I left it at work. I had to find my insurance card so I could get back on base.

Once at work, everything went smoothly. But when it came time to get off, all hell broke loose again. I won't go into details, but I think I did OK, I had to repent a couple of times, but I don't think I fully lost it like I would have on other days. Lets hope I learn this lesson fast because I don't like being pruned.

Change

As I sit here at my desk, feeling a lot like Doogie Howser MD, I am reminded of some revelations that the Lord gave to me today. Today in church, Pastor Todd talked about seeking out God and making Him the Lord of my life. That was particularly challenging for me, because for sometime I have been doing everything I can to change my home situation. I want more peace, less strife, a blessed marriage and all those wonderful things.

The problem is, I have been doing everything I can to change my home situation. But today, when a call to action was made by Pastor Todd to give everything to God, He asked for my situation, my thoughts, my feelings, all came to me at once and suddenly I knew that I had not let God change it for me, change starts with me! I am the head of the household and my kids are a reflection of me! I am not part of the solution, I am part of the problem. Wow God, that really hurt!

I am the one who wants things to change, I am the one who does this or does that, I am not going to go down the list of things that I do or don't do in my house, because I am the leading cause of the problem and when God showed me that today it kind of hurt a little, I guess deep down I knew it all along.

I am reading a book right now called Maximized Manhood written by Edwin Cole and I have been reading it for a long time, I decided today after church I would pick it up and read a few chapters, another blow to the gut man.... Edwin states in his book that "Change isn't change until it is change".

The change has to start with me, I am all talk at this point, what will happen when I am faced with a situation at home, and in the heat of the moment am I going to lose my cool and discipline out of anger, or love. When my wife doesn't do the things I think she should be doing with the kids, or whatever the case may be for that moment, am I going to yell at her and demean her, or love her.

Change isn't change until it is change.

I pray that I can put my money where my mouth is and truly let go, and let God.